On this day of thanks I can`t help but think about everything that I have lost. People I have loved, things I`v cherished, fond memories.
The world can be a cruel place if you let it and sometimes even when you don`t. To give thanks you must first have to have something to be thankful for and that I am. I wake up everyday and am grateful that I am free. My mind, body & soul.
There have been times in my life that my mind was truly not my own, it existed on a different plane or so it seemed. As if I was watching my body perform these acts and say these things only to regret it all later on…or not. I have said and done things to people I loved and cared about more times than I care to remember, perpetuating hate, anger and confusion for everyone around me.
I should probably say that I despise myself for the things that I have said and done. Somethings I will continue to be tormented by and other I feel no remorse.
With this “gift” I have the ability to throw a switch and be unfeeling about the things that I do, as well as how I treat certain people around me. Many people have the capacity to be callous and cold-hearted, I am one of those. I am also one that can easily forget the things I have said and done.
Whether I suppress it or completely disregard it I have yet to determine that. Regardless of all that I am still free, free to wake up make my mistakes and beg for forgiveness.
Sometimes I wish I lived in a society that seen my “gift” as an advantage and not as a hindrance but even I know that it would have to be a cold, cold world for that to be true. I am thankful for the people who put themselves in my life and choose to stay here, it would be a very lonely place if I was abandoned by all those that I have hurt. Try as I might I can’t help but think that one day my luck will run out and I will be given up on by all those I do hold so dear.