You Said This Would Be Fun?

Okay so being completely honest there are two moods, stages, phases whatever you want to call them when it comes to being Bipolar.

There are also different types of Bipolar but we aren’t going to get into that right now. No right now I want to talk about the two opposites of Bipolar. Depression & Mania.
Many people will suffer from depression in their lives all varying degrees and I empathize with each and everyone of them, also with the people who care about them, love & support them through it. YEAH YOU!! Anyone that is understanding & nonjudgmental  to a person suffering from depression is a great person in my eyes.

Depression can be one of the most debilitating mental illnesses a person can suffer from and all too often is is scoffed at and minimized. I have suffered from my fair share and know that I will always have that predisposition to it but I don’t dwell on it. I try not to focus on the negative try and learn from my past experiences to help me deal with my encounters with it.

Lets get to the other side of Bipolar the side not always experienced by all people with this “gift”. Mania.
Mania is the “up” side of Bipolar the fun side! Maybe that’s not the best way to describe it… Mania is the “up” swing as depression is the “down” swing. I always struggled more with being affected by the mania side, it was always more detrimental to my life as I seemed to go right off the rails for extended periods of time usually with no awareness for those around me.

Let me explain a bit more, When I am in mania I am a blast to be with I’m not just saying that I have been told that by people close to me that have been on this wild ride with me.

But with that outgoing, free spirited persona comes the lack of inhibitions and sense of responsibility. I can go for days sometimes weeks if it goes unchecked, riding this invisible wave of energy, excitement and all around feeling of a joyfulness.
I won’t get into details of some of the escapades I have gotten myself into for two reasons. 1) I’m saving all the gory details for my book and 2) I can’t remember the rest of them HA!

After awhile this can get tiresome usually for those around me before I realize it myself. I don’t need much sleep during this time 4-5 hours Max and even then it’s more for my body then my mind. People who are unaware of what is going on with me can sometimes find me obnoxious, (I’ve been told I am just normally that way so really hard to say on that. HA!) Arrogant and just plain crazy.

I usually have a lot of fun when I am in mania, it’s like a natural high and I have thought more than once how amazing my life might be if I was able to let my moods run rampant the things I would accomplish!! But then I come back down from the wave I am riding, look around at the mess I have created and all the pieces I have to find so that I can put my life back together; that’s also about the time I see that I have not really accomplished anything of value.
I start a lot of projects and have so many wild, interesting and sometimes hard to believe stories to tell but nothing to show for all my efforts and “amazing” ideas.

I recently tried to explain all this to my boyfriend of almost 2 years who had got to experience me in my full glory, he looked skeptical but still slightly intrigued. I simply said to him reassuringly…”Don’t worry it will be fun! Promise!” 😉

Lady B

Reality Check.

Nothing like a cold hard slap across the face from someone you love to put your life into perspective.
I always say the truth hurts and holy fuck does it ever, nothing like a dirty nasty sting of embarrassment to make it all sink in as well. Sometimes it just takes another person to grab and shake you to make you wake the Fuck up!

I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all myself nor did I want to let anyone down.
As I sit back and question everything I “think” I know, I am appalled by what I have become…..exactly what I hate. An arrogant, self righteous, know-it-all, snotty, BITCH!
It’s one thing to have an attitude it’s another to act like your better then everyone else. I don’t know why I have been acting this way I was certainly not raised that way, I am starting to believe I did it as a way to hide from the truth of who I am and what I have become. I am ashamed of myself, I am 30 plus years old and I have absolutely nothing to show for my life on this planet. I am the failure I have made fun of, the embarrassment I mock.

I realize I am so fucking terrified of going on my own, taking a risk and possibly failing that I have paralyzed myself with fear. I have become my own worst enemy.
Now what is one to do after such a life shattering revelation?

~Be humbled, heed the warning sign and start picking up the pieces. 

Are apologies in order?

Does a person point out their ill ways and try to make amends?

Or do I just gather what’s left of my dignity and move forward on this roller coaster we call life.


Lady B

Jealousy is a powerful tool. Use it.

I never thought of it this way. Always interesting to see things in a different light. Love the insight.

Truth and Cake

What is your relationship to jealousy?

Do you shut down, reject people, beat yourself up, project your inadequacies onto others, talk smack?

Or do you get curious, poke at it, play with, dive into, even love your jealousy?

For most of my life, I did the former.

I would shut down when someone succeeded at something. I’d take it personally. I’d beat myself up: “You already had that idea. Why didn’t you act on it?”

The sting of jealousy felt too sharp for me to want to lean in any closer. I wasn’t “good enough.” I’d let myself down.

A world where jealousy is bad supposes something false: that there’s only one go round at success, one shot at an idea, only room for one bright, shiny person.

Which, of course, is a lie. (You know that, right?)

When you start poking at jealousy, some very useful information emerges.


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