I don’t even know what that would be like. I don’t even know what that really feels like any more.

Yes I have missed I dose or here and there and I have felt the affects but I am quick to recover, quick to medicate. 

I honestly fear what I would be like. What an actual day would be like if I didn’t take my meds. 

The up and then the down, followed by the rush to the top. I remember what my life was like before… slightly nostalgic.

But I fear the ripple effect. The consequences of my actions. It’s like watching a movie, seeing the actors play out these scenes that you know the outcomes of but you can’t look away. 

It’s a Trainwreck.

One day.. maybe. One day I will be in a place that I can deal with the consequences, but not yet.

The past is still to close. Still to real for me to just forget.

                                    Lady. B