I saw it coming, I have learned to recognize the signs. Not everyone is so lucky. I felt my moods shifting slowly at first and then rapidly like the ups, downs and jolts of a roller coaster ride. I like to refer to it as a ride because than I can warn people and tell them to buckle up. If you don’t fight it and just come along for the ride it can be quite exciting! But than again not everyone can handle Bi-Poplar Brandi, I can’t even handle her eventually.
When I start dissociating myself from my daily life, is when I begin to realize things aren’t quite right. Going through the motions with work and even idle chit chat with other people is one thing, but when I am distancing myself from the person and people I love that is when I know I need to deal with myself.
Dealing with myself is the hardest thing ever. Admitting that I am failing at the basic functions in life is by far one of the most embarrassing things I have ever had to do and I have had to do it a lot. It doesn’t get any easier.
Admitting to yourself that you need help is the easy part, going to ask for it is the real struggle. Having to explain the how’s and why’s to someone when you yourself doesn’t even know is the most frustrating thing to do. But if I don’t do it, it only gets worse.
Now I have had to ask for help several times in my life and I have gotten different reactions each time. Doctor’s typically ask me the same questions and as I have gotten to know the doctor’s the questions have gotten less and the remedy quicker which as begun to make me wonder if it is really helping me, or do I need to get a second opinion and a start fresh.