The look of confusion and disapointment spreads across your face, as the words that I say fall on your ears.
The look on your face says so many things, and I can’t help but feel as though it is somehow my fault like I let all of this just happen. As if I had a choice.
The worst part is I am just as surprised as you are. I don’t see what is happening to me right away, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months to realize there is a problem.
But that doesn’t change anything for you, for you it just seems like I am pulling this out of thin air!
None of this is a choice for me. I know that is hard to understand for someone that has full cognitive ability over their mind. I am just as much on this ride as you are.
If I could flip a switch and change to make this easier for everyone, don’t you think I would? I feel bad everyday that I have to expose the people I care most about to so much uncertinty and instability. It breaks my heart.
I feel I need to apologize, as I fear the worst is yet to come.
Depression is not the same to everyone, we all know this. My depression looks nothing like yours and never will; not that I am special we are just different.
My world turned upside down is another person’s Monday.
When you look at a person you never get to see the darkness or light within them. You never get to hear their soul.
That would be a completely different experience, seeing someone not as a person but as colours and sounds emanating from their body. The world would be a completely different place, we wouldn’t view people or situations the same.
It’s been a very long time since I reached out on here, but now seems like the right time to come back to this place.
I started this space as a means to communicate with the outside world and talk about myself and my journey with Bipolar. I know I am no different than most other people that experience life as a Bipolar, but I am my own person, with my own personality and my own set of human issues.
So with that I also experience my own fair share of interesting and sometimes exciting times. Some times on my own, but also with others. The “others” in my life…. that what helps keep me grounded and centered and remind me of what is really important.
Not a day goes by that I am not grateful that I found my people, the constants in my life. In having said this there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about what I have to do in order for me to maintain, protect and grow my relationships with the people I care about most in this life.
I am Bipolar. Everyday I have an internal battle within myself and my mind about how my mind works and how I perceive things. For the most part I can maintain some level of normality within my life, but I am not exempt from the tiresome trials and tribulations that Bipolar people are forced to endure.
It doesn’t really matter the exact diagnosis or the specific type of the illness you have; if you have experienced a dramatic or rapid shift in your mind and psyche, that has caused you to reevaluate or even go so far as to actually change something about yourself. Than you my friend know what it is like for me.
This journey has been by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure in my life and the thought that I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life, with the risk of the rapid decline of my mental state is definitely not a comforting thought.
Everyday I fight a battle that nobody sees and many don’t even believe exists, but that does not change the truth for me. The worst is being accused of “using your illness as an excuse”.
Anyone who believes that I actually have a choice in the matter can stop reading right now and do us all a favor…DON”T EVER SHARE YOUR OPTION ON THE SUBJECT AGAIN!!!
Your thoughts are not helpful nore are you doing any one a service by speaking about or even forming an option on something you know nothing about. I an NOT saying I am an expert on the subject, I merely am drawing from my own life experiences. So with that being said, what should I touch on first???
Wow you were not what I expected. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t you. The connection was so real, so vibrant. I haven’t met anyone quite like you in a very long time. you peaked my interest, you intrigued me, you impressed me. I am beside myself with emotion and excitement! I want to just go with you, do things with you, experience life with you. You are a true..Freak like me!