“I am tired of your mental illness running our lives.”
No truer words have ever been spoken to me. This is my purgatory.
And what am I to say to that? Like it is a fucking choice I am making!
So I keep it inside, where it can’t hurt anyone. But we all know how that will turn out.
I am tired of MY mental illness ruining my life! Ha! How many times have I said that?
And the ride continues…
Love. Lady B.
Well this is an all to formiliar feeling. To bad it wasn’t for you as well, maybe then it would be easier for both of us?
Yup! the look is the same no matter who is casting it a me; frustrated, confused, upset and finally one of two things: sad or mad.
Does not matter how it ends really, my response is never the right one. No by this point in the incident, I am so far gone I only make the situation worse.
And that’s what it is another incident, another reason for them to question everything, another excuse to walk away.
But that’s not fair for me to call it an “excuse” when I myself would love to have a reason to runaway. To hide from the very essence that is me.
So what do we do? What do I do? Take more meds, different meds until I feel like a fucking science experiment gone awry!
Put my body through hell and back with all the different chemicals and toxins floating in my blood. Weirdly hoping something good will come of it?
What started out as a fairy tale, is now a carnival ride gone wrong. But no one ever said this would be easy.
I bet you didn’t know there was a time that I use to try and hide my Bipolar. Tried to hide my highs and lows from family, friends, co-workers and bosses. I feared the persecution of others. Truth is…I still do.
Having a mental illness is an instant stigma that is attached to you for the rest of your life. Even if you build your life to suite your needs completely, people will always know that you are different.
Now I am not discounting anyone who suffers from depression, season affectiveness or any of the milder forms of mental illness, as I believe everyone has their own cross to bare. Right now I am reaching out to a specific type, you know who you are.
The poor unfortunate souls who are given the same body and mind as others, except they don’t have full control of it. What I mean is their mind; The people who require medication to just “fit in” to be a “functioning member of society”. As hard as that is for most people to understand, it is even harder to have to live with.
Not a day goes by, that I don’t wish I didn’t have to take medication to be accepted in this world. And I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
So to all you lovely people struggling with or prospering!, just remember you are not alone and hopefully one day we will have the freedom we all truly desire.
The look of confusion and disapointment spreads across your face, as the words that I say fall on your ears.
The look on your face says so many things, and I can’t help but feel as though it is somehow my fault like I let all of this just happen. As if I had a choice.
The worst part is I am just as surprised as you are. I don’t see what is happening to me right away, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months to realize there is a problem.
But that doesn’t change anything for you, for you it just seems like I am pulling this out of thin air!
None of this is a choice for me. I know that is hard to understand for someone that has full cognitive ability over their mind. I am just as much on this ride as you are.
If I could flip a switch and change to make this easier for everyone, don’t you think I would? I feel bad everyday that I have to expose the people I care most about to so much uncertinty and instability. It breaks my heart.
I feel I need to apologize, as I fear the worst is yet to come.
Depression is not the same to everyone, we all know this. My depression looks nothing like yours and never will; not that I am special we are just different.
My world turned upside down is another person’s Monday.
When you look at a person you never get to see the darkness or light within them. You never get to hear their soul.
That would be a completely different experience, seeing someone not as a person but as colours and sounds emanating from their body. The world would be a completely different place, we wouldn’t view people or situations the same.
What colour would you be?
Lady BLeigh ~Anti-Socialite~ 