Sitting Pretty

I sit happy and still, not feeling the constant tug of my mind shifting away from me.

But your still there looming in the background murmuring under your breath just waiting for me to exhale, to let my guard down.

That is when you will slink back in slowly slipping your long talon like fingers up my spine, wrapping your cold death like grasp around my throat.

I can’t help but smile at the thought of you right now, just knowing you are not winning, I take solace in that fact.

Unfortunately there will come a time that you will win again that is simply inevitable, you always end up winning. Until that time comes I will just sit and be happy.

 

Love,

Lady. B

Sticks and Stones

Time is fleeting, only blood and tears are real. Don’t waste your breath on words said so many times before. I don’t want your regurgitated filth. Don’t taint me with your lies and deceit, your nothing to me but wasted time and sweat.

Just Don’t

Don’t tell me that you love me, the way you always do.

I don’t want to be your reason or your excuse.

Just let the feels lie, the way they always do.

Dont feed me your bullshit like it is soup.

I want to hear you beg for it, plead with me for your piece.

I want you to be the one who finely loses sleep.

Take You Away.

I know so little about her, yet we were once close. From a distance she seems so foreign to me, but as I get near I begin to recognize her.

She is a quiet one with a heart of gold, that you can see in her eyes. I wish I knew her better for I feel she has so much to give. The intelligence is obvious the moment she speaks a word.

She is shy but feisty with a light in her eyes I don’t even think she knows is there.

I know this girl, I was much like her even though she probably would never believe it.

A lost soul grasping for a hand to hold on to anything to keep her from drowning in her own thoughts and fears.

I can sense the fear, but I hope she stronger than it for I know one day it could take her away.

Love, Lady B.

My God, My Titan

Taking in the view, a few steps away.

Always watching, but never engaging.

She watches him, watching her, longing for his touch; even though she knows it would mean nothing.

He doesn’t truly want her, she is but a novelty, something to be taken out, paraded around for display purposes only.

His touch is cold regardless of the warmth of his hands.

She isn’t good enough for him, she knows this.

He is a God, a titan of sorts.

She stares longingly and wishes he would just end it already, cut the cord, sever the non-existent grasp he holds on her.

But she cares for him to much to say anything.

She doesn’t have the power to do it herself.

For he is her god, her titan.

Lady B.

 

 

Hopeful

She only lived to survive, there was no other reason. she had responsibilities she needed to take care of, that’s what kept her going. Every day was a struggle she didn’t know what was going to happen one day to the next. She never really knew who she could trust. She had asked so much of so many people she felt she couldn’t ask anymore.

One day it had to get easier, one day she had to get some relief. She knew she was responsible for the life she had, it was no one else’s fault but her own, she should have known better, done something sooner not fed into the deluded idea that people can change. She knew that they couldn’t, not if they didn’t want to, not if they didn’t think they were doing anything wrong.

The day will come when she will have to take a stand and it is going to be hard, it is going to hurt, and there is a very good chance that she is going to fail, but she will have to. Hopefully, he doesn’t kill her before.

 Lady B.

Special Oder, No Returns

Over the last few weeks, I have found myself in a very dark place. A place I am used to, a place I have been to many, many times before. But this time it has been different. Previous visits to this place have usually been shorter and after a period of time, I manage to leave on my own accord, not this time.

I felt the same sensation the pressure, the anxiety, the loneliness, the guilt the regret all pilling up on me slowly weighing me down till I could not make it even an hour without falling to pieces. I held it together the best I could in public for I fear the stigma that is attached to me and my illness. Not everyone understands what it is like to not have full control of yourself constantly.

My visit to the Psychiatrist proved to be unsuccessful as he deemed me unfit for the outside world and wanted me admitted and sedated saying that it would “reset” my brain as if I was a cell phone that just needed to be rebooted. When I rejected his logic he cast me off stating, I was an uncooperative patient and that by refusing to abide by his medical and professional opinion he saw no reason to continue to see me. So he sent me off with a month’s worth of the final prescription he had written for me and a letter to my GP explaining that I would need a referral to a new Psychiatrist.

Lucky for me my GP was helpful and understanding of my situation, and quickly got me an appointment with a new psychiatrist in a city 1 hour away. Unfortunately, my file was not forwarded on to this doctor so my first appointment was more a meet and greet were we discussed passed history and my current state of mind. but due to my mindset, I wasn’t much help as I find myself in a constant state of fog and confusion most days, knowing I should be trying to pull myself out of this but unable to find the handholds to pull me up.

So here I sit in a state of limbo trying to will things to get better but having no support to do so. People have said to me; “Why do you need medication to be normal?” and I can’t help but feel guilty, and sad, and angry all at the same time. Cause if they only knew what I wouldn’t give to not have to be medicated to function in this society, they would not ask such unintelligent questions.

 Lady B.

How useful are you?

I saw it coming, I have learned to recognize the signs. Not everyone is so lucky. I felt my moods shifting slowly at first and then rapidly like the ups, downs and jolts of a roller coaster ride. I like to refer to it as a ride because than I can warn people and tell them to buckle up. If you don’t fight it and just come along for the ride it can be quite exciting! But than again not everyone can handle Bi-Poplar Brandi, I can’t even handle her eventually.

When I start dissociating myself from my daily life, is when I begin to realize things aren’t quite right. Going through the motions with work and even idle chit chat with other people is one thing, but when I am distancing myself from the person and people I love that is when I know I need to deal with myself.

Dealing with myself is the hardest thing ever. Admitting that I am failing at the basic functions in life is by far one of the most embarrassing things I have ever had to do and I have had to do it a lot. It doesn’t get any easier.

Admitting to yourself that you need help is the easy part, going to ask for it is the real struggle. Having to explain the how’s and why’s to someone when you yourself doesn’t even know is the most frustrating thing to do. But if I don’t do it, it only gets worse.

Now I have had to ask for help several times in my life and I have gotten different reactions each time. Doctor’s typically ask me the same questions and as I have gotten to know the doctor’s the questions have gotten less and the remedy quicker which as begun to make me wonder if it is really helping me, or do I need to get a second opinion and a start fresh.

Just Fine.

You don’t always get what you want. Your life doesn’t always turn out how you thought it would. Sometimes things happen that you never thought possible.

Everyday you wake up and face life, it isn’t always a success. When you fall, you don’t always succeed at picking yourself up off the floor.

It’s okay not to be grateful for a time and just accept things. Some people do have it better than you and no matter how hard you try, you may never have it as good as them.

Yes everybody struggles, some more than you, but that doesn’t make your struggle any less difficult.

It’s okay to cry and it is also okay to scream, yell, swear and throw shit. Sometimes you just don’t want to give a fuck!

And that is just fine.

Lady. B

Thoughtless

I can’t explain to you how I feel inside, because I feel nothing.

I can’t tell you what I was thinking when I did it, because I wasn’t.

I can’t tell you that I am sorry for what I said or did, because I don’t remember.

I am thoughtless.

That is my sickness, it comes with my “gift”. I have the ability to flip a switch to protect myself and not care, not get hurt. But it also works against me at times.

It stops me from seeing the destruction I am causing by my thoughtless nature.

I never meant to hurt you, I just didn’t know you were even there.

Don’t take offense it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or that I love you any less.

I simply just slipped away for a bit, lost touch with reality and what really mattered.

I can’t justify my actions to you, because they are not my true intentions.

I can’t make the situation better, because the damage is already done.

But I can tell you I am aware.

The magnitude of the situation is not lost on me, because I still care.

When I stop caring that is when you will know all hope is lost.

Then I will be truly, thoughtless.

Love,

Lady B.