Scares me.

The look in your eyes sent shivers down my spine. You looked deep down into my soul, you saw things no one has ever seen. But you didn’t turn away. My life, my world existed without​ you, but now I don’t see how it can. My mind constantly pulls you into it. Forcing me to acknowledge what i feel; even if it scares me. You are not what I was looking for, because I wasn’t looking for anything. The thought of you not being there petrifies me. I don’t want to think of my life without you in it, that is a loss I am just not willing to take. I don’t know why this is happening it all seems so surreal, but I am excited to see where it takes me.

I want to be with you.

First encounter.

Wow you were not what I expected. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t you. The connection was so real, so vibrant. I haven’t met anyone quite like you in a very long time. you peaked my interest, you intrigued me, you impressed me. I am beside myself with emotion and excitement! I want to just go with you, do things with you, experience life with you. You are a true..Freak like me!

Love you

I love the look in your eyes, just before we touch.

I love how you touch me, in that certain way.

I love the way your breath feels, on the back of my neck.

I love the way your skin smells, after it is all done.

I love the sensation, that was the two of us.

Lady B.

 

Running Away

Everyone needs to talk to someone at some point. We all need an opportunity to vent and let our feelings out. Not everyone can open up to their friends or family. Some of us need an unbiased open-minded, individual to be a sounding board. I try to see my sounding board at least once a month. I try to Process all my thoughts and work though as many issues as I can before they bubble over the surface. But sometimes they still manage to squeeze by, feelings that is. There have been points in my life that I haven’t been able to talk to anyone or it didn’t matter that I had spoken to anyone about how I was feeling, I still felt like shit. About me, about my situation. I have been finding myself feeling like this more and more laterly. I keep waking up, and also falling asleep with this horrible erge to run away and hide ,beacuse I don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to keep it all together. I can see the cracks starting to show. I am noticing other people noticing, and I am scared. I am scared of what I might do. I have been like this a few times in my life before and it is always a rollercoaster ride and it is never, never good. I don’t know when this all started to happen ,I do know that I really need it to stop!

Don’t

Don’t stand there and act like you’re better than me. Like you are smarter than me. Don’t pretend to think you know me. You see what I let you see, you know what I let you know about me. Don’t for even one second let yourself believe that you know me, because you don’t and you never will. You are one of the many reasons I won’t allow people to know me, to see the real me. You don’t deserve to, because you think you are better then. You hold yourself in such high esteem, look down on everyone else around you. But really you are no better then the person you think so very little of. So please just don’t.

People are really starting too…

Why is it that we spend so much of our time trying to make other people happy? Or is it just me?

I have been fighting this battle for years slowly winning, gaining ground. Then rapidly falling back. I know life is not supposed to be easy but I don’t think the people closest to you, are the ones that are supposed to make it the most difficult either. 

The older I get, the less time I want to give to other people and the more I need my “alone time”. Does this make me selfish or just a survivalist? 

I value my time with myself and I don’t find myself getting lonely as I did when I was younger. Does that make me a bad person? Do I not care about people as much as I did before? Or Am I just accepting the fact, that not everyone matters all of the time.

I think I can drink to that!

                                   Lady B.

No Time.

I haven’t felt much like writing lately I don’t know if it is due to the fact that I have had so much going on in my life that I don’t seem to have the time or if it is simply due to the fact that I can’t seem to focus on one thought long enough to be able to write about it.

My life has once again shifted not a complete 180 as it has in the resent past but more of a pivot, a shift in focus more on myself. I realized I needed to be more honest with myself and try and make myself happy and not rely on other people to do that for me. I have been saying this for a while now and have been thinking it even longer, it is a lot harder to take that step then I really realized but I have and now I just need to see where it leads. I know there are still many more steps for me to take and I am excited but still a little nervous. 

Now perhaps now that I have broken my writing slump the flood gates will open and the words will come pouring out.

                                       Lady B

Dirty Little secrets

We all live in this world everyday trying to make a life for ourselves, trying to put up this front to show the world that we a capable, successful and happy.

When we don’t succeed in this we are considered flawed and weak and clearly something is wrong if you aren’t living up to  these standards. But who set these standards?  And why must we all live up to them?

You would think the more secrets a person has to keep the harder they try to live up to those standards. Because people with secrets have more to prove, more risk is involved if they are found out, more to lose but that is not always the case.

Lets be real, everybody has secrets some are just small as in they prefer woman’s antiperspirant to men’s, or they love to watch reality TV in bed while eating a family size bag of lays salt & vinegar chips and others not so small….Drugs, infidelity, theft,abuse the list is really endless. But are they really secrets? Do people really not know these things about us or are we just lying to ourselves to make ourselves feel better about the whole situation.

In this age of information at our fingertips I think it is so much harder to keep things to ourselves, not just our own secrets but everyones. Secrets are like weapons in this huge game of emotional warfare you have to be careful who you open up to cause you never know what will be used against you and don’t even think about posting your opinion on any type of social media you are sure to be slaughtered for your beliefs.

The world we life is a very very different place from what it once was even a decade ago, you really have to know who your friends are…And even more so who is going to sell your dirty little secrets.

                                              Lady B.

 

Little voices

Thought of the day.

When people make a snide comment about someone and they quickly follow it up with the phrase “oh sorry that was my outside voice” I can’t help but want to correct them.

 Technically you should say you are using your “inside voice” because it is the little voice in your head that is making the comment so it is your inside voice coming out, not your outside voice.

Just my opinion.

With Love, Lucifer

You infuriate me to no end and you know you do, my life was so simple till I met you.

I don’t want to think about what could have, should have been.

Dear Lucifer do I hate you.

I see my life laid out as it was, clear path smooth sailing, no backlash

 but you turned, shifted and you showed me your true colours all shiny in my face.

What was I to do? I was scared.

I hid under false smiles and propped up dreams, ludicrous fairy tales of what would never be.

The life I once thought was so simple never truly was.

It was a nightmare.

Now left stripped of all feelings of hope, my faith is no more.

I only see the darkness that is left behind inside and the scars that hold me together.

I weep no more for you, you have no more hold on me.

Dear Lucifer do I hate you.

                                                                                       Lady B.