Here we go again.
Another doctor, another chemist, another “I told you so”.
I know what the outcome will be, but that is not important .
I am just the guinea pig. The science experiment.
Oh what a wonderful ride it won’t be.
Why don’t they just listen to me?
B.
Just because I wake up in a bad mood, doesn’t mean I have to stay that way.
Just because you wake up a bitch, doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.
Just because you smile at me, doesn’t mean I have to like you.
Just because I smile at you, doesn’t mean that I like you.
Just because the world is an ugly place, doesn’t mean I have to be.
Just because you are a miserable person, doesn’t mean I have to be.
Love,
Lady. B
She didn’t want to be a bother.
She never wanted to cause discomfort,
but she couldn’t help feel the sting of the situation.
She knew he wasn’t trying to hurt her.
She knew that he loved her,
but there was always the question of what if.
She knew it was petty.
She never wanted to be vain,
but she couldn’t help but be herself.
She knew this feeling would pass, as they always do.
But she couldn’t help it in wanting to say fuck you!
I sit happy and still, not feeling the constant tug of my mind shifting away from me.
But your still there looming in the background murmuring under your breath just waiting for me to exhale, to let my guard down.
That is when you will slink back in slowly slipping your long talon like fingers up my spine, wrapping your cold death like grasp around my throat.
I can’t help but smile at the thought of you right now, just knowing you are not winning, I take solace in that fact.
Unfortunately there will come a time that you will win again that is simply inevitable, you always end up winning. Until that time comes I will just sit and be happy.
Love,
Lady. B
Time is fleeting, only blood and tears are real. Don’t waste your breath on words said so many times before. I don’t want your regurgitated filth. Don’t taint me with your lies and deceit, your nothing to me but wasted time and sweat.
Don’t tell me that you love me, the way you always do.
I don’t want to be your reason or your excuse.
Just let the feels lie, the way they always do.
Dont feed me your bullshit like it is soup.
I want to hear you beg for it, plead with me for your piece.
I want you to be the one who finely loses sleep.
I know so little about her, yet we were once close. From a distance she seems so foreign to me, but as I get near I begin to recognize her.
She is a quiet one with a heart of gold, that you can see in her eyes. I wish I knew her better for I feel she has so much to give. The intelligence is obvious the moment she speaks a word.
She is shy but feisty with a light in her eyes I don’t even think she knows is there.
I know this girl, I was much like her even though she probably would never believe it.
A lost soul grasping for a hand to hold on to anything to keep her from drowning in her own thoughts and fears.
I can sense the fear, but I hope she stronger than it for I know one day it could take her away.
Love, Lady B.
Taking in the view, a few steps away.
Always watching, but never engaging.
She watches him, watching her, longing for his touch; even though she knows it would mean nothing.
He doesn’t truly want her, she is but a novelty, something to be taken out, paraded around for display purposes only.
His touch is cold regardless of the warmth of his hands.
She isn’t good enough for him, she knows this.
He is a God, a titan of sorts.
She stares longingly and wishes he would just end it already, cut the cord, sever the non-existent grasp he holds on her.
But she cares for him to much to say anything.
She doesn’t have the power to do it herself.
For he is her god, her titan.
Lady B.
She only lived to survive, there was no other reason. she had responsibilities she needed to take care of, that’s what kept her going. Every day was a struggle she didn’t know what was going to happen one day to the next. She never really knew who she could trust. She had asked so much of so many people she felt she couldn’t ask anymore.
One day it had to get easier, one day she had to get some relief. She knew she was responsible for the life she had, it was no one else’s fault but her own, she should have known better, done something sooner not fed into the deluded idea that people can change. She knew that they couldn’t, not if they didn’t want to, not if they didn’t think they were doing anything wrong.
The day will come when she will have to take a stand and it is going to be hard, it is going to hurt, and there is a very good chance that she is going to fail, but she will have to. Hopefully, he doesn’t kill her before.
Lady B.
Over the last few weeks, I have found myself in a very dark place. A place I am used to, a place I have been to many, many times before. But this time it has been different. Previous visits to this place have usually been shorter and after a period of time, I manage to leave on my own accord, not this time.
I felt the same sensation the pressure, the anxiety, the loneliness, the guilt the regret all pilling up on me slowly weighing me down till I could not make it even an hour without falling to pieces. I held it together the best I could in public for I fear the stigma that is attached to me and my illness. Not everyone understands what it is like to not have full control of yourself constantly.
My visit to the Psychiatrist proved to be unsuccessful as he deemed me unfit for the outside world and wanted me admitted and sedated saying that it would “reset” my brain as if I was a cell phone that just needed to be rebooted. When I rejected his logic he cast me off stating, I was an uncooperative patient and that by refusing to abide by his medical and professional opinion he saw no reason to continue to see me. So he sent me off with a month’s worth of the final prescription he had written for me and a letter to my GP explaining that I would need a referral to a new Psychiatrist.
Lucky for me my GP was helpful and understanding of my situation, and quickly got me an appointment with a new psychiatrist in a city 1 hour away. Unfortunately, my file was not forwarded on to this doctor so my first appointment was more a meet and greet were we discussed passed history and my current state of mind. but due to my mindset, I wasn’t much help as I find myself in a constant state of fog and confusion most days, knowing I should be trying to pull myself out of this but unable to find the handholds to pull me up.
So here I sit in a state of limbo trying to will things to get better but having no support to do so. People have said to me; “Why do you need medication to be normal?” and I can’t help but feel guilty, and sad, and angry all at the same time. Cause if they only knew what I wouldn’t give to not have to be medicated to function in this society, they would not ask such unintelligent questions.
Lady B.
Lady BLeigh ~Anti-Socialite~ 