I saw it coming, I have learned to recognize the signs. Not everyone is so lucky. I felt my moods shifting slowly at first and then rapidly like the ups, downs and jolts of a roller coaster ride. I like to refer to it as a ride because than I can warn people and tell them to buckle up. If you don’t fight it and just come along for the ride it can be quite exciting! But than again not everyone can handle Bi-Poplar Brandi, I can’t even handle her eventually.

When I start dissociating myself from my daily life, is when I begin to realize things aren’t quite right. Going through the motions with work and even idle chit chat with other people is one thing, but when I am distancing myself from the person and people I love that is when I know I need to deal with myself.

Dealing with myself is the hardest thing ever. Admitting that I am failing at the basic functions in life is by far one of the most embarrassing things I have ever had to do and I have had to do it a lot. It doesn’t get any easier.

Admitting to yourself that you need help is the easy part, going to ask for it is the real struggle. Having to explain the how’s and why’s to someone when you yourself doesn’t even know is the most frustrating thing to do. But if I don’t do it, it only gets worse.

Now I have had to ask for help several times in my life and I have gotten different reactions each time. Doctor’s typically ask me the same questions and as I have gotten to know the doctor’s the questions have gotten less and the remedy quicker which as begun to make me wonder if it is really helping me, or do I need to get a second opinion and a start fresh.

I can’t explain to you how I feel inside, because I feel nothing.

I can’t tell you what I was thinking when I did it, because I wasn’t.

I can’t tell you that I am sorry for what I said or did, because I don’t remember.

I am thoughtless.

That is my sickness, it comes with my “gift”. I have the ability to flip a switch to protect myself and not care, not get hurt. But it also works against me at times.

It stops me from seeing the destruction I am causing by my thoughtless nature.

I never meant to hurt you, I just didn’t know you were even there.

Don’t take offense it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or that I love you any less.

I simply just slipped away for a bit, lost touch with reality and what really mattered.

I can’t justify my actions to you, because they are not my true intentions.

I can’t make the situation better, because the damage is already done.

But I can tell you I am aware.

The magnitude of the situation is not lost on me, because I still care.

When I stop caring that is when you will know all hope is lost.

Then I will be truly, thoughtless.

Love,

Lady B.

It eats away your insides until they are raw, leaving the tissue bleeding. 

You try to ignore the nawing pain hoping it will just go away. But you can’t ignore it, it only festers until you can’t take it anymore.

You can either continue to runaway or turn and face it. Running away is the easiest, less pain in the long run but than you are left all alone.

Left with this horrible beast living inside. The only way to truly kill it, kill the pain is to face it.

But you need a reason to face it. A power stronger than itself.

You need love to kill the hate.

                                  Lady. B

I am pretty sure I told you this once before, I don’t love you anymore.

But words have a way of not being heard when your driving to fast and you’ve drank to much.

I will resign myself to the fact that you are still here, always watching but never really there.

The patience I had has worn thin, my tolerance for ignorance is non-existent.

You can leave anytime now, it won’t bother me.

Just please, don’t wake me when you leave.

I will stand beside you, strong, proud and true.

I will be patient, loving and kind to you and yours.

I will listen and support when the weight becomes to heavy for you to bear.

I will hold my tongue from the speaking the thoughts that come to me, when harsh words are spoken to you.

I will do all this with a smile on my face and love in my heart, as this is all I can do in the position that I am in.

I know where your heart lies, that’s what gives me strength to fight this battle. 

The battle of the other woman.

                               Love,

                                    Lady B.

The feelings are so strong it almost hurts. The longing is always there and I try to show it the best that I can, but I am locked in the little red box.

The little red box is where I keep everything that is sacred to me.

My heart and my soul.
My heart, like many is battered and bruised. Put through hell and climbed back out retreating to the little red box.

My soul, well it has never left the box. It does not get touched. For it is the most sacred of all. Very few have ever even caught a glimpse of it and those we have, well I hope they know how rare it truly is.

The red box is as much a prison as it is a sanctuary. With all the security I get from it, there is an equal balance of loneliness.

Everyone wants to be loved and understood. Finding someone to love your heart is easy. Finding someone to understand your soul, well that is entirely different. 

I’ve let my heart out of the little red box and it is feeling things I never thought it could feel. But I long for my soul to be touched, to be whispered to, to be soothed.

My heart will take the beating until it has convinced the soul that it is safe to come out.

But for now I am just going to hide in my little red box. Where it is safe.

                                  Love,

                                             Lady B.

I don’t even know what that would be like. I don’t even know what that really feels like any more.

Yes I have missed I dose or here and there and I have felt the affects but I am quick to recover, quick to medicate. 

I honestly fear what I would be like. What an actual day would be like if I didn’t take my meds. 

The up and then the down, followed by the rush to the top. I remember what my life was like before… slightly nostalgic.

But I fear the ripple effect. The consequences of my actions. It’s like watching a movie, seeing the actors play out these scenes that you know the outcomes of but you can’t look away. 

It’s a Trainwreck.

One day.. maybe. One day I will be in a place that I can deal with the consequences, but not yet.

The past is still to close. Still to real for me to just forget.

                                    Lady. B

I give myself to you, hoping for the best.

I give my love to you, expecting the worst.

You speak to me like no one else has, which means you can hurt me…I don’t want to be hurt.

I see the love in your eyes, but I also see the pain. I hope the pain doesn’t win.

Your fighting a war I can not see, one you won’t let me know about.

I know I can be nothing, but I can also be everything.

Please let me be everything.

    Lady. B

You ripped the flesh from my body, with deep slow digs. The blood pouring down my sides and pools at my feet.

I cling to myself trying to stop the bleeding, but it continues to flow as my heart beat weakens.

The air is hot around me, but I have a chill. I sink to my knees releasing a moan of agony.

My head feels light as the blood rushes out, I can no longer feel my legs. It’s getting harder to think straight, the fog is setting in.

I can see you clear though I can’t look away, your face burned into my mind’s eye forever haunting me.

There is nothing you can do to change this, nothing to stop what you have done. The world can see you now, for what you really are.

It is all slipping away I know it won’t be long, I feel the darkness setting in and all I can think about is I hope you slip on my blood.