One More Time, For Those In The Back!

Well this is an all to formiliar feeling. To bad it wasn’t for you as well, maybe then it would be easier for both of us?

Yup! the look is the same no matter who is casting it a me; frustrated, confused, upset and finally one of two things: sad or mad.

Does not matter how it ends really, my response is never the right one. No by this point in the incident, I am so far gone I only make the situation worse.

And that’s what it is another incident, another reason for them to question everything, another excuse to walk away.

But that’s not fair for me to call it an “excuse” when I myself would love to have a reason to runaway. To hide from the very essence that is me.

So what do we do? What do I do? Take more meds, different meds until I feel like a fucking science experiment gone awry!

Put my body through hell and back with all the different chemicals and toxins floating in my blood. Weirdly hoping something good will come of it?

What started out as a fairy tale, is now a carnival ride gone wrong. But no one ever said this would be easy.

If I Had A Choice

The look of confusion and disapointment spreads across your face, as the words that I say fall on your ears.

The look on your face says so many things, and I can’t help but feel as though it is somehow my fault like I let all of this just happen. As if I had a choice.

The worst part is I am just as surprised as you are. I don’t see what is happening to me right away, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months to realize there is a problem.

But that doesn’t change anything for you, for you it just seems like I am pulling this out of thin air!

None of this is a choice for me. I know that is hard to understand for someone that has full cognitive ability over their mind. I am just as much on this ride as you are.

If I could flip a switch and change to make this easier for everyone, don’t you think I would? I feel bad everyday that I have to expose the people I care most about to so much uncertinty and instability. It breaks my heart.

I feel I need to apologize, as I fear the worst is yet to come.

Take You Away.

I know so little about her, yet we were once close. From a distance she seems so foreign to me, but as I get near I begin to recognize her.

She is a quiet one with a heart of gold, that you can see in her eyes. I wish I knew her better for I feel she has so much to give. The intelligence is obvious the moment she speaks a word.

She is shy but feisty with a light in her eyes I don’t even think she knows is there.

I know this girl, I was much like her even though she probably would never believe it.

A lost soul grasping for a hand to hold on to anything to keep her from drowning in her own thoughts and fears.

I can sense the fear, but I hope she stronger than it for I know one day it could take her away.

Love, Lady B.

My God, My Titan

Taking in the view, a few steps away.

Always watching, but never engaging.

She watches him, watching her, longing for his touch; even though she knows it would mean nothing.

He doesn’t truly want her, she is but a novelty, something to be taken out, paraded around for display purposes only.

His touch is cold regardless of the warmth of his hands.

She isn’t good enough for him, she knows this.

He is a God, a titan of sorts.

She stares longingly and wishes he would just end it already, cut the cord, sever the non-existent grasp he holds on her.

But she cares for him to much to say anything.

She doesn’t have the power to do it herself.

For he is her god, her titan.

Lady B.

 

 

Hopeful

She only lived to survive, there was no other reason. she had responsibilities she needed to take care of, that’s what kept her going. Every day was a struggle she didn’t know what was going to happen one day to the next. She never really knew who she could trust. She had asked so much of so many people she felt she couldn’t ask anymore.

One day it had to get easier, one day she had to get some relief. She knew she was responsible for the life she had, it was no one else’s fault but her own, she should have known better, done something sooner not fed into the deluded idea that people can change. She knew that they couldn’t, not if they didn’t want to, not if they didn’t think they were doing anything wrong.

The day will come when she will have to take a stand and it is going to be hard, it is going to hurt, and there is a very good chance that she is going to fail, but she will have to. Hopefully, he doesn’t kill her before.

 Lady B.