“I am tired of your mental illness running our lives.”
No truer words have ever been spoken to me. This is my purgatory.
And what am I to say to that? Like it is a fucking choice I am making!
So I keep it inside, where it can’t hurt anyone. But we all know how that will turn out.
I am tired of MY mental illness ruining my life! Ha! How many times have I said that?
And the ride continues…
Love. Lady B.
Well this is an all to formiliar feeling. To bad it wasn’t for you as well, maybe then it would be easier for both of us?
Yup! the look is the same no matter who is casting it a me; frustrated, confused, upset and finally one of two things: sad or mad.
Does not matter how it ends really, my response is never the right one. No by this point in the incident, I am so far gone I only make the situation worse.
And that’s what it is another incident, another reason for them to question everything, another excuse to walk away.
But that’s not fair for me to call it an “excuse” when I myself would love to have a reason to runaway. To hide from the very essence that is me.
So what do we do? What do I do? Take more meds, different meds until I feel like a fucking science experiment gone awry!
Put my body through hell and back with all the different chemicals and toxins floating in my blood. Weirdly hoping something good will come of it?
What started out as a fairy tale, is now a carnival ride gone wrong. But no one ever said this would be easy.
I bet you didn’t know there was a time that I use to try and hide my Bipolar. Tried to hide my highs and lows from family, friends, co-workers and bosses. I feared the persecution of others. Truth is…I still do.
Having a mental illness is an instant stigma that is attached to you for the rest of your life. Even if you build your life to suite your needs completely, people will always know that you are different.
Now I am not discounting anyone who suffers from depression, season affectiveness or any of the milder forms of mental illness, as I believe everyone has their own cross to bare. Right now I am reaching out to a specific type, you know who you are.
The poor unfortunate souls who are given the same body and mind as others, except they don’t have full control of it. What I mean is their mind; The people who require medication to just “fit in” to be a “functioning member of society”. As hard as that is for most people to understand, it is even harder to have to live with.
Not a day goes by, that I don’t wish I didn’t have to take medication to be accepted in this world. And I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
So to all you lovely people struggling with or prospering!, just remember you are not alone and hopefully one day we will have the freedom we all truly desire.
She only lived to survive, there was no other reason. she had responsibilities she needed to take care of, that’s what kept her going. Every day was a struggle she didn’t know what was going to happen one day to the next. She never really knew who she could trust. She had asked so much of so many people she felt she couldn’t ask anymore.
One day it had to get easier, one day she had to get some relief. She knew she was responsible for the life she had, it was no one else’s fault but her own, she should have known better, done something sooner not fed into the deluded idea that people can change. She knew that they couldn’t, not if they didn’t want to, not if they didn’t think they were doing anything wrong.
The day will come when she will have to take a stand and it is going to be hard, it is going to hurt, and there is a very good chance that she is going to fail, but she will have to. Hopefully, he doesn’t kill her before.
Lady B.
Over the last few weeks, I have found myself in a very dark place. A place I am used to, a place I have been to many, many times before. But this time it has been different. Previous visits to this place have usually been shorter and after a period of time, I manage to leave on my own accord, not this time.
I felt the same sensation the pressure, the anxiety, the loneliness, the guilt the regret all pilling up on me slowly weighing me down till I could not make it even an hour without falling to pieces. I held it together the best I could in public for I fear the stigma that is attached to me and my illness. Not everyone understands what it is like to not have full control of yourself constantly.
My visit to the Psychiatrist proved to be unsuccessful as he deemed me unfit for the outside world and wanted me admitted and sedated saying that it would “reset” my brain as if I was a cell phone that just needed to be rebooted. When I rejected his logic he cast me off stating, I was an uncooperative patient and that by refusing to abide by his medical and professional opinion he saw no reason to continue to see me. So he sent me off with a month’s worth of the final prescription he had written for me and a letter to my GP explaining that I would need a referral to a new Psychiatrist.
Lucky for me my GP was helpful and understanding of my situation, and quickly got me an appointment with a new psychiatrist in a city 1 hour away. Unfortunately, my file was not forwarded on to this doctor so my first appointment was more a meet and greet were we discussed passed history and my current state of mind. but due to my mindset, I wasn’t much help as I find myself in a constant state of fog and confusion most days, knowing I should be trying to pull myself out of this but unable to find the handholds to pull me up.
So here I sit in a state of limbo trying to will things to get better but having no support to do so. People have said to me; “Why do you need medication to be normal?” and I can’t help but feel guilty, and sad, and angry all at the same time. Cause if they only knew what I wouldn’t give to not have to be medicated to function in this society, they would not ask such unintelligent questions.
Lady B.
You don’t always get what you want. Your life doesn’t always turn out how you thought it would. Sometimes things happen that you never thought possible.
Everyday you wake up and face life, it isn’t always a success. When you fall, you don’t always succeed at picking yourself up off the floor.
It’s okay not to be grateful for a time and just accept things. Some people do have it better than you and no matter how hard you try, you may never have it as good as them.
Yes everybody struggles, some more than you, but that doesn’t make your struggle any less difficult.
It’s okay to cry and it is also okay to scream, yell, swear and throw shit. Sometimes you just don’t want to give a fuck!
And that is just fine.
Lady. B
Lady BLeigh ~Anti-Socialite~ 